Monday, January 18, 2010
So tired...
New week(my weekends sucked bad except for a few things, so don't ask) of school... suppose to finish at five de but I early dismiss myself, because the section head say de not my fault. Ask me go cut hair before I can go for my afternoon lessons. Hell no... I already cut it last week le. Any shorter I won't allow! Can't fucking grow a new haircut if I have to keep cutting it every time I start growing hair.
Rather quit school then let her cut le.
Bad start for the week. Very moody, very emo, nearly cried if I was weaker, end up I did not. Sorry to disappoint those who wants to see me cry. Getting better at controlling my tear ducts I guess, this morning felt really very cold in my heart even though the sunshine so hot. Keep having chest pains which has nothing to do with heart failure but the familar pains of heartache...
Reason? I'm not going to say here, I don't want someone to feel guilty, even if that person felt guilty so what? That changes nothing, the world still revolves around the sun, the sun still sets in the west & the moon still shines every night...
I really feel very tired. Not physically exhausted... but mentally. Tired of everything... Today in class doing work that time I want to just put down my pen and stop writing le... just close my eyes and sleep forever. Don't have to think, don't have to try, don't have to worry. A blank mind, a peaceful sleep, no dreams to think about. Nothing.
Sometimes I wonder... why do I have a blog for? I write I post, people read people forget. To them is just a form of entertainment... but to me, its a place where I open my heart out to. But for what reason do I open my heart out for? People still misunderstand my intentions, misjudge me unfairly, worst of all misunderstand my feelings for them.
Someone once told me this: "Seems like the people you like, actually have feelings for you too, but they don't tell you only."
In case you readers were wondering. Ironic isn't it? As this came from a girl who liked me... & did not say anything to me till- nevermind...
So what if they liked me? They never made their feelings known to me until its gone then they say.
What is it so hard for them to put aside pride and make their feelings known?
Girl confess to boy very paiseh? What kind of thinking is that? Then boy confess to girl not paiseh mah?'
Beneath that so called ' elephant skin' you think we boys have, we not paiseh also?
"Relationship isn't everything." my gan-mummy always say that to me, but without it life is boring & dull...
My one weakness is that I tend to put too much effort into a relationship that has yet to begin, open up too much to that person till all the cards in my hand show out le. Left with nothing up my sleeve this lose everything.
Perhaps I should revert to my more introvert self that I was during primary school... that way I can never feel any heartaches anymore... only the cold of loneliness which I'm so used to.
Nevermind, back to my day... anyways the day didn't continue smoothly... while I was heartaching, Meiyun (the ex that cost me the most heartache both emotionally & financially...) just had to call me for some absurd reason... she wanted her friends number for reasons I have already forgotten. Hearing her voice again was painful... knowing that now she so faithful to her boyfriend but when with me she was one hell of a S_ _ _.
I wanted to help her, but I cannot forget the pain she put me through... In the end I do not forgive & I do not forget. I picked a random number on my phone list, a twist of fate I random into Fion's number. I remembered she wanted to answer Meiyun's call that time during our blading trip @ ECP to give her a good scolding for the way she treated me after hearing what i told her. I can only hope she touched into Fion's nerve then there will be one hell of a show to watch. Lol...
An sms... who could it be... ah... someone just woke up... this person also another one that takes away my mood. Stayed up waiting for to play, end up so late then msg me. Made me sleep only 2 hours, nevermind. Wake up le, wanted to play, brb me until MIA... sua...
I'm just a come-&-go friend/standby boyfriend to these people I guess... Or I think I'm their friend, I feel more like a playtoy... when you all need me only will then spam my blog cbox, my Facebook status, chat with me on msn, msg me, ask me accompany you all chat on phone or go out together all that & I really hate myself for being so soft hearted to do what you all want... Play finish le throw one side...
Of course... my feelings not important... I also used to it le... you all wan play jiu play... don't wait till the day no more chance to play le then complain...
Times like this I really need someone to just be here for me... not console me... not scold the people who made me moody but to give me the love I need, make me feel that I don't have to face all my troubles alone...
And by saying that I don't mean you people who read finish this post le then come concern about me...
I made this post is not to plea for care & concern... I don't need fake sympathy.
One thing is for sure, my heart stop beating... & it will never beat again...
Rather quit school then let her cut le.
Bad start for the week. Very moody, very emo, nearly cried if I was weaker, end up I did not. Sorry to disappoint those who wants to see me cry. Getting better at controlling my tear ducts I guess, this morning felt really very cold in my heart even though the sunshine so hot. Keep having chest pains which has nothing to do with heart failure but the familar pains of heartache...
Reason? I'm not going to say here, I don't want someone to feel guilty, even if that person felt guilty so what? That changes nothing, the world still revolves around the sun, the sun still sets in the west & the moon still shines every night...
I really feel very tired. Not physically exhausted... but mentally. Tired of everything... Today in class doing work that time I want to just put down my pen and stop writing le... just close my eyes and sleep forever. Don't have to think, don't have to try, don't have to worry. A blank mind, a peaceful sleep, no dreams to think about. Nothing.
Sometimes I wonder... why do I have a blog for? I write I post, people read people forget. To them is just a form of entertainment... but to me, its a place where I open my heart out to. But for what reason do I open my heart out for? People still misunderstand my intentions, misjudge me unfairly, worst of all misunderstand my feelings for them.
Someone once told me this: "Seems like the people you like, actually have feelings for you too, but they don't tell you only."
In case you readers were wondering. Ironic isn't it? As this came from a girl who liked me... & did not say anything to me till- nevermind...
So what if they liked me? They never made their feelings known to me until its gone then they say.
What is it so hard for them to put aside pride and make their feelings known?
Girl confess to boy very paiseh? What kind of thinking is that? Then boy confess to girl not paiseh mah?'
Beneath that so called ' elephant skin' you think we boys have, we not paiseh also?
"Relationship isn't everything." my gan-mummy always say that to me, but without it life is boring & dull...
My one weakness is that I tend to put too much effort into a relationship that has yet to begin, open up too much to that person till all the cards in my hand show out le. Left with nothing up my sleeve this lose everything.
Perhaps I should revert to my more introvert self that I was during primary school... that way I can never feel any heartaches anymore... only the cold of loneliness which I'm so used to.
Nevermind, back to my day... anyways the day didn't continue smoothly... while I was heartaching, Meiyun (the ex that cost me the most heartache both emotionally & financially...) just had to call me for some absurd reason... she wanted her friends number for reasons I have already forgotten. Hearing her voice again was painful... knowing that now she so faithful to her boyfriend but when with me she was one hell of a S_ _ _.
I wanted to help her, but I cannot forget the pain she put me through... In the end I do not forgive & I do not forget. I picked a random number on my phone list, a twist of fate I random into Fion's number. I remembered she wanted to answer Meiyun's call that time during our blading trip @ ECP to give her a good scolding for the way she treated me after hearing what i told her. I can only hope she touched into Fion's nerve then there will be one hell of a show to watch. Lol...
An sms... who could it be... ah... someone just woke up... this person also another one that takes away my mood. Stayed up waiting for to play, end up so late then msg me. Made me sleep only 2 hours, nevermind. Wake up le, wanted to play, brb me until MIA... sua...
I'm just a come-&-go friend/standby boyfriend to these people I guess... Or I think I'm their friend, I feel more like a playtoy... when you all need me only will then spam my blog cbox, my Facebook status, chat with me on msn, msg me, ask me accompany you all chat on phone or go out together all that & I really hate myself for being so soft hearted to do what you all want... Play finish le throw one side...
Of course... my feelings not important... I also used to it le... you all wan play jiu play... don't wait till the day no more chance to play le then complain...
Times like this I really need someone to just be here for me... not console me... not scold the people who made me moody but to give me the love I need, make me feel that I don't have to face all my troubles alone...
And by saying that I don't mean you people who read finish this post le then come concern about me...
I made this post is not to plea for care & concern... I don't need fake sympathy.
One thing is for sure, my heart stop beating... & it will never beat again...
.~♠♥♦♣~.
Joker
Joker
what did i do so wrong that you had to leave me alone ... at 1/18/2010 03:21:00 PM
0 people in the crowd heard my words
0 people in the crowd heard my words
